Beer is responsible for earthquakes… OK, maybe not all the earthquakes, but certainly all the human-caused ones.
You’ve probably heard of the rash of quakes in Oklahoma. The media has laid the blame on fracking, but we know better. Sure the fracking was part of the cause, but who decided to frack the frack out of the Okies? The oil companies? Ha! That’s exactly what They want you to think. Who controls the oil companies? You guessed it, our Beer Overlords.
In addition to controlling all the corporate-owned beer (and an ever-increasing chunk of the microbrews) the Global Beer Industrial Complex almost certainly controls the oil industry as well.
After decades of gauging the impact of small earthquakes on beer consumption in California, they started a pilot program in Oklahoma. Under the guise of fracking for oil, they set about to cause small earthquakes, just big enough to get people worried. Once they’re worried, people inevitably reach for a cold brew to calm their nerves. While the beer consumption figures haven’t been published, yet (and they may never be), our Beer Overlords are certainly paying attention. If they see even a 1% increase in sales, they’ll be fracking everywhere and small, non-destructive quakes will surely follow.
Need More Proof? This Earthquake beer is a dead giveaway:
That’s right, the Beer Overlords control the very ground under your feet and if left unchecked will take control of Mother Nature herself! Imagine Mother Nature the morning after a raging kegger.
I don’t know about you, but that makes me a little nervous. I need a beer.
Tally Ho!