MillerCoors recently recalled cans of cold Coors Light after the company determined the batch, brewed at the MillerCoors Georgia brewery? was “subpar”? A conspiracy theorist at heart, I have spent countless hours contemplating the actual reason for the recall.
10. Neanderthal like Coors Light consumers were caught launching cans of the “Silver Bullet” at obsessed fans of the movie Twilight, fearing them to be actual vampires.? The company feared lawsuits.? Fortunately, no goths were hurt in the incidents.
9. Clever marketing? Any press is good press? Brittany Spears shaved her head, John and Kate Plus Eight parade their divorce across The Learning Channel, Sinéad O’Connor tore up a photo of the Pope, and MillerCoors “recalled” beer.
8. Someone forgot to urinate in the this particular batch? Dang!
7. A disgruntled employee replaced the “r” in “Coors” with an “n” on all of one particular shipment of cans? Fearing racial discrimination lawsuits, the company had no choice but to bite the bullet and dump profit.
6. A pipe routing mistake actually filled the cans with Miller Light? The megalomaniacal company did not want their loyal brainwashed consumers to get too big for their britches after indulging in the fancy triple hopped delight mistakenly pumped into their cans.
5. A rogue brewmaster saw the light.? He was converted by a humble evangelistic beer blog.? One sip of that forbidden craft fruit and he had to forsake his Big-Brew collar.? To make penance for the past 25 years of false beer doctrine, the once faithful Coors Light Doctor of the Faith sacrificed his pension and gave a false executive order to recall a heretical beer that could pervert the palates of hundreds of gas station beer shoppers nationwide? A hero? A martyr? A saint.
4. Someone higher up in the chain of command at MillerCoors suffers from Histrionic Personality Disorder, otherwise known as “whoa is me” syndrome in which the inflicted can only find peace when chaos, pain, and sympathy engulf their life? The “good” news that MillerCoors sales were up despite an economy gasping for air was just too much for this wacko to handle? In order to accommodate his/her inner drama queen the recall was created, a tweet was sent, sympathy flooded in, and inner peace was restored to this individual.
3. A chemical flaw in the “cold activated can” pioneered by the brewing giant actually sported a red mountain when refrigerated? Confused and thirsty low-brow consumers began flooding the company with complaints after many burst cans and messy microwave ovens.
2.The recall was legitimate? A MillerCoors executive purchased a sixer of the tainted malt beverage, and discovered the batch had a foreign ingredient:? Flavor? He called the brewery immediately? The order was sent? “You’re all fired!” he raged, “This beer does not taste like water, you idiots!”
1. Otherworldly visitors who have sacrificed muscle mass, reproductive organs, and taste buds for more brain mass and computing power, traversed the galaxies and abducted the 16 wheeler containing the so-called “recalled batch of beer” in order to perform cruel tests upon human lab rats aboard their mother ship? Under pressure from the CIA, MillerCoors concocted the story in return for years of beverage contracts at future inaugural balls and parties.
DISCLAIMER: This is satire. If you frequently indulge in Coors Light and find yourself offended, please substitute any other beer variety at your discretion at each place “Coors Light” appears in this article.