According to CNN, yet another US president will use beer for his political advantage. President Joe Biden has teamed up with Beer Overlords Anheuser-Busch to offer the whole country a beer if they reach Biden’s vaccination goal by the Fourth of July. The goal is 70% of American adults having received at least one vaccination shot. Once again we see the power of beer influencing those in power to push beer on the American public.
"Get a shot and have a beer. Free beer for everyone 21 years or over to celebrate the independence from the virus," said the arguably most powerful man in the world. (We think the Beer Overlords have more power, but that’s just an opinion backed up by reams kegs of imaginary data.)
If this isn’t clear proof of how the Global Beer Industrial Complex controls the levers of power on this planet, we don’t know what is.
It’s very simple. The Global Beer Industrial Complex controls politicians with money. Now, certainly our Beer Overlords have many other subtle ways to control us all, such as via the influence of alcohol, which goes straight to the brain and makes us feel happy and then makes its way to the liver where it slowly works on killing us. However, with politicians money generally does the trick. Don’t believe us? Good for you! One should always be skeptical when it comes to conspiracy theories.
But… Here’s some evidence: According to the Wine Industry Network Advisor “...the Alcohol industry shows more than $237 million spent on campaign contributions and lobbying over the past two election cycles.” WIN Advisor attributes the information to a report called “Politics Under the Influence”, produced by Tom Wark of Wark Communications. He seems like a reputable enough fellow to produce such an article. The report covers the alcohol industry’s contributions to politics on a state and federal level from 2017 to 2020.
Unsurprisingly, to us anyway, was the fact that liquor wholesalers alone accounted for $55 million in the last 4 years alone. That’s almost double what all the rest of the US liquor industry spent on buying politicians in that time frame. These are the middlemen of the Beer Industrial Complex. Not the breweries or the bars or liquor stores, but the guys in the middle. The guys who most states mandate as the only ones who can buy from the breweries and then resell to the retail outlets, who then sell it to us so we can enjoy the fermented fruits of their labors.
What is surprising to us is the fact that most of that money went to politicians supportive of Trump. As a reminder, Trump is famously dry, in that he apparently doesn’t drink alcohol, ever. This may be why the industry chose to influence those politicos with money instead of a triple hopped IPA. More interestingly, is that they seem to have failed, at least on the federal level, to control the uppermost offices of government. Joe Biden is also known to be a teetotaller and therefore not obviously in the pocket of our Beer Overlords.
Does this indicate a waning influence of the Global Beer Industrial Complex? Or are they hard at work in more subtle ways? Hold my beer while I figure it all out… On second thought, maybe I’ll drink that beer now and ask you to hold the empty can while I go grab another out of the fridge. I feel like it’s all about to come into focus and start making sense… Any moment now… Just let me drink on this for a while… Cheers!
Archaeologists in Egypt have recently uncovered a brewery in Abydos that produced beer for royal ceremonies. The structure dates back to the first dynasty and the reign of King Narmer, around 3100 BC. Experts estimate the beer factory could produce as much as 5,000 gallons of beer for use in burial rituals. Ancient hieroglyphics had previously indicated that beer was used in such rituals, but the brewery was never discovered until now.
Why were the ancients, all over the world so taken with beer and similar brews? Back in those days, nobody knew what bacteria and viruses were completely unknown and so they didn’t think it was a bad idea to drink the same water they bathed in or pooped and peed into. Modern understanding of microbes and their pathology is only about 350 years old. Sanitary sewers and potable water treatments took another couple of hundred years to become widely adopted. Therefore, any brewing of water (including tea, coffee, and cider, as well as beer) was likely to result in a much safer drink, than water straight from a river or stream. People who drank mostly brewed water were more likely to survive than those who did not.
Some questions that remain to be answered are “What did the ancient brews taste like?” “How strong were they?” and “Where did they rank on the IBU scale?”
Regardless of the answers to those questions, it remains clear that the Egyptian Pharaohs were among the first members of the Ancient Order of Beer Overlords (renamed in modern times to simply Beer Overlords). We’re taking this as direct evidence of the Global Beer Conspiracy, which consumes our every waking thought, except for when we are drinking a nice oatmeal stout, a nutty brown ale, a micro-brewed IPA, a lager, pilsener, or porter, or a margarita.
Social media has provided photographic proof that Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) is one of the Beer Overlords. Literally several presumably undoctored photographs have appeared on social media of the intellectual leader of the liberal left-wing sitting peacefully in front of or at the tables of various microbreweries. Clearly, it’s part of his extreme agenda to encourage drinking liberal amounts of beer.
[Take that, Q-Anon!]
Here’s more evidence of Bernie at the breweries
We’ve been quiet here at the old Beer Conspiracy because frankly, we can’t come up with more ridiculous conspiracies than the likes of Qanon and all the rest of the whacko internet conspirators.
But this one made us spit out our beer in awe!
A beautiful woman believes that a brewpub in Texas is a satanic cult. A coven of witches performing child sacrifice and eating human flesh. To back up her claim she showed a colorful bow on the ground across the street from the brewery. She claimed this was proof that a child had been abducted and presumably eaten by the Satanists in the nearby pub. Unfortunately, that video seems to have been removed from Facebook already.
Luv that Motely Crue T-shirt, BB!
She’s either an attention-starved Thot or she’s completely nuts, maybe both. Either way, we’re totally smitten with this wildly conspiratorial kitten!
According to her Facebook rants, everyone who works in a bar selling beer is a psychopathic pedophile. She further ties it into Black Lives Matter, abortion, The NSA, drones, genetic chimeras, alien space trash, and cults. Oh, and she’s declared war against them all. Here she is on youtube saying all of that:
Here’s a quick quote from her Facebook describing these psychopaths
“They are boring AF with loud music and a plethora of sensations.”
How can a cult of baby-eating Satanists who enjoy beer and loud music be boring? Please let us know how that works. We’re eager to experience a plethora of sensations while drinking beer and listening to loud music. (Isn't everyone?)
In all fairness maybe she’s off her meds or she just cracked after being in COVID isolation alone for too long. We can help her with that, as long as she doesn’t mind chatting over a few beers while Motely Crue is playing in the background.
Please, Sugar-pie, contact us at the Beer Conspiracy and we’ll help you pull your conspiracies together and make them either more believable or more amusing. Maybe both.
We’ve been silent on the Corona Virus topic for too long. The ridiculous suggestion that the virus was named after the beer or has anything to do with the beer is still beneath our dignity to even mention. (Oops!)
But now they’ve closed the bars!
Maybe not in every state, but in quite a few from New York to California and many in between. We’re all staying at home to prevent spreading the disease. The bars are closed, the music venues are closed, the salons are closed, even the darn coffeeshops are closed.
In Colorado, they even tried to close the liquor stores and dispensaries. That lasted about 2 hours before they backtracked, allowing them to stay open as long as they enforced appropriate social distancing.
Where’s the conspiracy?
It’s not the Chinese. If it was, do you think they would have alerted the whole world that it was coming? Nope.
Could it be a secret US government plot to destabilize China? Maybe. It’s just stupid enough for the Cheeto in chief to approve of. (and remember that he is a teetotaller)
Was it intentionally released so that Big Pharma (and Bill Gates) could make money on a vaccine? Big P does seem a lot brighter than most governments, but if this was the case, they would certainly be flooding the markets with vaccine by now. Huge opportunity for profit being missed here. So, probably not the case. Bill Gates has more important things to do, though he did pretty accurately predict this pandemic in 2018.
Let’s follow the money. Or, in this case, the lack of money.
Who’s losing money? Ok, everyone… But amongst those would be the Beer Overlords. The entirety of the global Beer Industrial Complex is taking it in the shorts.
Who wants to put the beer industry out of business? Trump? The Mormons? MADD? Maybe it’s God.
We don’t know. How should we know? Maybe it’s the aliens who want us to buy their interstellar brews instead.
All we know is it’s hurting everyone. From the beer manufacturers, the distributors and the vendors to the bartenders, servers, and drinkers.
What can you do about it?
Stay Home. Wash your hands. Drink some beer and video chat with your buddies. Hide out until this is done. With the policies coming out of Washington, you can be certain they have decided to let all of us get infected. 2% of us will die from it, but that doesn’t mean anything to those in power. So long as they get a few more tax breaks and we get back to work, they won’t mind if 2% of us suffer a painful, horrible death.
Man, I need a beer. Here’s hoping that alcohol will kill this shit.
Donald Trump, famous for not drinking alcohol (among other things), has claimed that the Republicans are now the "beer and bluejeans party." We find it interesting that there are no photos of him drinking beer or wearing bluejeans. Clearly he doesn't include himself or anyone else around him in that category. However, by encouraging his followers (many of whom do wear bluejeans) to drink beer, he may be trying to curry favor with the Beer Overlords.
We understand that being impeached can drive a man to drink but we also understand that the Beer Industrial Complex can exert a powerful influence over voters. Especially voters who use their product.
Clearly, the orange topped wunderkind is desperately seeking votes from people he can easily relate to as only a man of his "caliber" could (as a lying, racist, egomaniacal, small-handed, Russian operative). We're not in favor of that. We're in favor of a true beer drinking, brilliant, polite, dignified politician who will support the rights of all men (and women) to drink their beer as they wish, when they wish, wearing what they wish (if anything).