The events of June 12, 2016 in Orlando, Florida have pissed off our Corporate Beer Overlords. In an exclusive interview we conducted with… We can’t name him, but trust us, he’s waay up there in the Global Beer Industrial Complex. He said: “redacted“. We weren’t allowed to quote him, but trust us, he said some stuff. Stuff to the effect of: “How dare they! How dare anyone murder fifty potential beer consumers! How dare anyone commit murder in one of our sacred beer drinking shrines! How dare anyone put the fear of death into an entire large demographic of beer consumers, their wine consuming friends, and other alcohol-containing drink consuming families!!!”
They don’t care one bit about the victim’s political, religious, social, or sexual views. It’s only important that some whacko put a small dent into the population of beer drinking persons.
They also made it very clear that, while our gracious beer overlords love us all equally, they do not condone any religious practice that advocates sobriety. “How are we supposed to control you murderous teetotallers if you won’t drink beer!” He might have shouted in anger, had we been allowed to quote him.
What’s clear is that the rulers of the Global Beer Industrial Complex have our collective best interests at heart. They have flatly denied saying; “We will pacify y’all via any means necessary, in order to continue draining your bank accounts and turning you into mindless robotic beer drinking slaves.” They and their gun culture buddies also denied rigging all sporting events, the stock market, and elections, controlling the military, and sleeping with that hot girl you’ve always had secret crush on.
But don’t let that get you down. Just crack open a nice cold beer and try not to worry about it. After all, their highest priority is our happiness...