In light of recent events, we feel it’s important to let you all know that the Beer conspiracy is not racist. The Global Beer Industrial Complex, on which we report, is primarily a financial conspiracy. They want everyone to drink beer, wine, and/or liquor and pay for the privilege of doing so. After a few drinks, they expect you to have fun, make bad decisions, and drink some more. If they were racist in any way, they would be alienating a significant portion of the market. They even like those folks who don’t drink (most of them, anyway) because you never know when they might fall, jump, or be pushed off the proverbial wagon.
Drinking beer is usually part of a social event. Nothing brings people together better than a tasty beer, a bottle of wine, or a round of shots. People who think that their skin color, religion, or sexual orientation makes them superior to anyone else are simply wrong and for them to even think that, much less shout it in public is abhorrent to us as (well as our Beer Overlords).
We condemn, in the strongest possible terms the recent and any future acts of hatred or violence.
We encourage everyone, of legal age, to instead get a six-pack, or bottle of their favorite adult beverage and share it with some other adults.
Can anyone really hate each other after they’ve gotten loaded and slurred “I love you guys!” We think not.
As the above photo clearly shows, someone has been drinking beer on Mars.
The photos was actually taken by NASA's aptly named Spirit Rover in November of 2007. It wasn't until recently that one of those people who has nothing better to do than look at NASA's old Myspace photos in excruciating detail found the item.
Clearly this indicates some level of intelligent life on Mars. They might be drunk, but by golly, they are drunk on Mars!
Now, some might argue that this is simply a trick of the light on the rocks or something like that, but we see it as clear and undeniable proof of an Interstellar Beer Industrial Complex that not only runs this planet, and this solar system, but the whole of this galaxy, at least. What remains to be uncovered is whether or not there is a brewery on Mars, Where are the hops grown? and what is the ABV (alcohol by volume) content? We suppose it might also be interesting to find out who drank this beer, why did he/she leave the bottle laying there, what was the price of the beer (including taxes), and what did it taste like? Furthermore, without a closer examination we don't even know if it was light beer or even a lager. It could be an intergalactic IPA or deep space dark brown ale for all we know.
One thing is certain. We can rest assured that when we do find the aliens, we will be able to sit down and share nice cold brew with them.
A bill supported by most of the US House and Senate that changes how much beer manufacturers get taxed is being held up by Partisan Politics. According to this article, The Trumpling has mandated that only his priorities of infrastructure, tax reform, and depriving people of health care will be considered at this point in time. Six months into his regime and all he can do is redistribute money from the poor to the rich and cut government programs - thereby putting people out of work - rather than let congress move on to useful legislation that would actually help big and small businesses turn a profit.
Clearly, this is more proof that the Orange Dipshit is not being controlled by the Global Beer Industrial Complex. And now we all have to pay for it. Maybe we'd all be better off with a blatant Beer Overlord ruling over us.
Dutch mega-brewer Heineken has printed text on the back of every bottle stating: "Because a stranger is just a friend you haven't had a cold Heineken with yet"
Their message about helping create a more open and tolerant world is aimed straight at Trump and all the other fascist douchebags attempting to control our world.
Way to roll, Heineken!
Great Britain is leading the world through the enlightening idea that voters should be rewarded with beer!
Actually, the free beer is only for new people who register to vote. Unfortunately, this is not a reward for voting, just for registration, but we support the effort!
Clearly, though, this also will get Brits to drink more beer, and who wants that? Well the Global Industrial Beer Complex, of course! Once again we see them manipulating politics as if it were a handful of clay. Shaping the global political landscape to conform to their whims (i.e. Their plan to control the world.) Already, voter registrations and beer consumption have increased. What more could they ask for? (It's a scary question we will leave you to ponder...)
According to this article
Our Alien Beer Overlords have clearly been messing with The Matrix again. You can see this simply by watching the recent Academy Awards Show. Obviously La La Land was supposed to win that Oscar, but whoever is in control of the matrix decided to mess with us by changing the reality at the last moment (or maybe a little later).
For those of you who haven't been paying attention, scientists now believe we may be living in a simulation, not very different from that portrayed in the The Matrix movies. (Great article from Scientific American explains all this.)
The events that happened recently at the Academy Awards and the US presidential election are just the 2 biggest examples of how the Matrix controller(s) must be messing with us. This is exactly what it's like when there is a glitch in the matrix. Here's a bunch of stories that demonstrate common day matrix glitches
So who is doing this to us? Why won't they just let us live our boring lives? It's clearly the Aliens who control the Galactic Beer Industrial Complex. Who else would care about the Oscars? This smells to us like someone got a little buzzed on strong beer and said, WTF, that opening song and dance sequence in La La Land wasn't that good. The movie was good, but not Best Picture good. So let's mess with them and give it to another film. LOL!
And Trump... well they must be LOL-ing their alien asses off over that one, and it gets funnier every day.