We’ve been quiet here at the old Beer Conspiracy because frankly, we can’t come up with more ridiculous conspiracies than the likes of Qanon and all the rest of the whacko internet conspirators.
But this one made us spit out our beer in awe!
A beautiful woman believes that a brewpub in Texas is a satanic cult. A coven of witches performing child sacrifice and eating human flesh. To back up her claim she showed a colorful bow on the ground across the street from the brewery. She claimed this was proof that a child had been abducted and presumably eaten by the Satanists in the nearby pub. Unfortunately, that video seems to have been removed from Facebook already.
Luv that Motely Crue T-shirt, BB!
She’s either an attention-starved Thot or she’s completely nuts, maybe both. Either way, we’re totally smitten with this wildly conspiratorial kitten!
According to her Facebook rants, everyone who works in a bar selling beer is a psychopathic pedophile. She further ties it into Black Lives Matter, abortion, The NSA, drones, genetic chimeras, alien space trash, and cults. Oh, and she’s declared war against them all. Here she is on youtube saying all of that:
Here’s a quick quote from her Facebook describing these psychopaths
“They are boring AF with loud music and a plethora of sensations.”
How can a cult of baby-eating Satanists who enjoy beer and loud music be boring? Please let us know how that works. We’re eager to experience a plethora of sensations while drinking beer and listening to loud music. (Isn't everyone?)
In all fairness maybe she’s off her meds or she just cracked after being in COVID isolation alone for too long. We can help her with that, as long as she doesn’t mind chatting over a few beers while Motely Crue is playing in the background.
Please, Sugar-pie, contact us at the Beer Conspiracy and we’ll help you pull your conspiracies together and make them either more believable or more amusing. Maybe both.
We’ve been silent on the Corona Virus topic for too long. The ridiculous suggestion that the virus was named after the beer or has anything to do with the beer is still beneath our dignity to even mention. (Oops!)
But now they’ve closed the bars!
Maybe not in every state, but in quite a few from New York to California and many in between. We’re all staying at home to prevent spreading the disease. The bars are closed, the music venues are closed, the salons are closed, even the darn coffeeshops are closed.
In Colorado, they even tried to close the liquor stores and dispensaries. That lasted about 2 hours before they backtracked, allowing them to stay open as long as they enforced appropriate social distancing.
Where’s the conspiracy?
It’s not the Chinese. If it was, do you think they would have alerted the whole world that it was coming? Nope.
Could it be a secret US government plot to destabilize China? Maybe. It’s just stupid enough for the Cheeto in chief to approve of. (and remember that he is a teetotaller)
Was it intentionally released so that Big Pharma (and Bill Gates) could make money on a vaccine? Big P does seem a lot brighter than most governments, but if this was the case, they would certainly be flooding the markets with vaccine by now. Huge opportunity for profit being missed here. So, probably not the case. Bill Gates has more important things to do, though he did pretty accurately predict this pandemic in 2018.
Let’s follow the money. Or, in this case, the lack of money.
Who’s losing money? Ok, everyone… But amongst those would be the Beer Overlords. The entirety of the global Beer Industrial Complex is taking it in the shorts.
Who wants to put the beer industry out of business? Trump? The Mormons? MADD? Maybe it’s God.
We don’t know. How should we know? Maybe it’s the aliens who want us to buy their interstellar brews instead.
All we know is it’s hurting everyone. From the beer manufacturers, the distributors and the vendors to the bartenders, servers, and drinkers.
What can you do about it?
Stay Home. Wash your hands. Drink some beer and video chat with your buddies. Hide out until this is done. With the policies coming out of Washington, you can be certain they have decided to let all of us get infected. 2% of us will die from it, but that doesn’t mean anything to those in power. So long as they get a few more tax breaks and we get back to work, they won’t mind if 2% of us suffer a painful, horrible death.
Man, I need a beer. Here’s hoping that alcohol will kill this shit.
Donald Trump, famous for not drinking alcohol (among other things), has claimed that the Republicans are now the "beer and bluejeans party." We find it interesting that there are no photos of him drinking beer or wearing bluejeans. Clearly he doesn't include himself or anyone else around him in that category. However, by encouraging his followers (many of whom do wear bluejeans) to drink beer, he may be trying to curry favor with the Beer Overlords.
We understand that being impeached can drive a man to drink but we also understand that the Beer Industrial Complex can exert a powerful influence over voters. Especially voters who use their product.
Clearly, the orange topped wunderkind is desperately seeking votes from people he can easily relate to as only a man of his "caliber" could (as a lying, racist, egomaniacal, small-handed, Russian operative). We're not in favor of that. We're in favor of a true beer drinking, brilliant, polite, dignified politician who will support the rights of all men (and women) to drink their beer as they wish, when they wish, wearing what they wish (if anything).
Beer controls the world and Epstein didn't kill himself. The best, funniest, and truest meme of the year. It's clear that while Epstein didn't kill himself, nobody can be sure who did. Was it the Clintons? Was it Trump or one of his supporters? Maybe it was one of the other rich powerful men who paid for access to teenage girls. There's likely a variety of people who wanted to silence Epstein. We may never find out who did it, but if we don't keep asking, we'll never find out.
This is a doozy of a conspiracy and you can bet that the Global Beer Industrial Complex has its fingerprints all over this one. At the very least we need to look at the facts, follow the money trail, and keep asking questions over a nice cold beer until some new information floats to the top, like a nice head of foam. Let us know if you figure it out. We'll go into hiding immediately because these guys are not the kind to go down without taking a few witnesses with them.
Notice how all the women who have come forward with allegations against Epstein have very carefully avoided saying who the other men were that they slept with or implicated only relatively powerless men, like Prince Andrew. The girls who slept with the really powerful men have been bought off, threatened, or worse. They disappeared like Ghislaine Maxwell. Is she in hiding someplace or was she made to disappear... permanently? This may be one of those conspiracies that nobody really wants to unravel.
So, we're gonna have another beer and pretend we don't know anything about it... Cheers!
The Virginia Beer Wholesalers Association has donated nearly $5 million dollars to various political candidates and committees on both sides so the aisle since 1996. The reason - to make sure they get to keep doing their thing, which is selling and distributing beer and liquor wholesale in Virginia. This plays quite well into the interests of the Global Beer Industrial Complex.
For those who don’t know, here’s how beer gets from the brewer to your mouth in most US states. Brewers brew beer but are not allowed to sell it directly to drinkers. Instead, they are required to sell it to licensed Wholesalers or Distributors who are also not allowed to sell directly to the consumer but are only allowed to sell it to bars and liquor stores. Bars and liquor stores, or grocery stores or other licensed retail outlets. These places are allowed to sell to you the drinker. Additionally, the retail outlets are not allowed to buy directly from the breweries in most cases. This odd middleman arrangement came about at the end of Prohibition when the states were allowed to set their own rules and regulations with respect to selling liquor. Each state is a little different and some are very different (Utah has state-owned liquor stores) but this is generally the way it works in most states.
This kind of arrangement allows the state to license, regulate, and tax 3 different entities (brewers, distributors, and retail establishments) which prevents monopolies and tax fraud. Before Prohibition, many brewers delivered straight to bars that they also owned. Bars that sold only the one brand. It was much easier for such arrangements to fudge the numbers when it came time to pay taxes and some of them certainly did.
Today, the states usually require each taxable entity to report the volume of sales as well as purchases and compare them against each other to make sure all the beer brewed gets taxed several times before you get to drink it. An arrangement that virtually eliminates tax fraud. It also created a hugely profitable sector of the Beer Industrial Complex. The Distributor/Wholesaler. These companies make tons of money and want to continue to that, so they donate generously to any political cause that can help them. It was like pulling teeth in many states to change the laws so that micro-breweries could also benefit from distribution and sell their products at brewpubs and Taprooms.
Here’s an excellent article that shows how the Virginia Beer Wholesalers Association has influenced politics (and your beer) over the last few decades.
The Storm Area 51 event scheduled for September was co-opted by Bud Light who presumably used the event as a cheap advertising gimmick. That's what they want us to think anyway. Since we know that the Intergalactic Beer Overlords basically control all of the known universe, it's more likely that they are under contract to provide beer to any aliens hapless enough to land on this planet.
Sure, they made a big deal out of placing a few well-stocked coolers full of limited edition Bud Light. What didn't make the news was that all the beer was drank. Who drank it all? They aren't telling us. What are they hiding? We know the Grays like beer. We know they are always watching over the human race, waiting until we are ripe enough to eat, maybe? It's downright insulting that they think we are being fooled by a few green cans filled with light beer. We're onto you Bud Light! We won't be silenced by anything less than a full keg of limited edition alien Bud Light beer. (Thanks for that, BTW)
We have nothing more to say...