• ancient egyptian brewery

    Archaeologists in Egypt have recently uncovered a brewery in Abydos that produced beer for royal ceremonies. The structure dates back to the first dynasty and the reign of King Narmer, around 3100 BC. Experts estimate the beer factory could produce as much as 5,000 gallons of beer for use in burial rituals. Ancient hieroglyphics had previously indicated that beer was used in such rituals, but the brewery was never discovered until now.

    Why were the ancients, all over the world so taken with beer and similar brews? Back in those days, nobody knew what bacteria and viruses were completely unknown and so they didn’t think it was a bad idea to drink the same water they bathed in or pooped and peed into. Modern understanding of microbes and their pathology is only about 350 years old. Sanitary sewers and potable water treatments took another couple of hundred years to become widely adopted. Therefore, any brewing of water (including tea, coffee, and cider, as well as beer) was likely to result in a much safer drink, than water straight from a river or stream. People who drank mostly brewed water were more likely to survive than those who did not.

    Some questions that remain to be answered are “What did the ancient brews taste like?” “How strong were they?” and “Where did they rank on the IBU scale?”

    Regardless of the answers to those questions, it remains clear that the Egyptian Pharaohs were among the first members of the Ancient Order of Beer Overlords (renamed in modern times to simply Beer Overlords). We’re taking this as direct evidence of the Global Beer Conspiracy, which consumes our every waking thought, except for when we are drinking a nice oatmeal stout, a nutty brown ale, a micro-brewed IPA, a lager, pilsener, or porter, or a margarita.


  • politics shmolitics I vote for beer

    It’s very simple. The Global Beer Industrial Complex controls politicians with money. Now, certainly our Beer Overlords have many other subtle ways to control us all, such as via the influence of alcohol, which goes straight to the brain and makes us feel happy and then makes its way to the liver where it slowly works on killing us. However, with politicians money generally does the trick. Don’t believe us? Good for you! One should always be skeptical when it comes to conspiracy theories. 

    But… Here’s some evidence: According to the Wine Industry Network Advisor “...the Alcohol industry shows more than $237 million spent on campaign contributions and lobbying over the past two election cycles.” WIN Advisor attributes the information to a report called “Politics Under the Influence”, produced by Tom Wark ofWark Communications. He seems like a reputable enough fellow to produce such an article. The report covers the alcohol industry’s contributions to politics on a state and federal level from 2017 to 2020.

    Unsurprisingly, to us anyway, was the fact that liquor wholesalers alone accounted for $55 million in the last 4 years alone. That’s almost double what all the rest of the US liquor industry spent on buying politicians in that time frame. These are the middlemen of the Beer Industrial Complex. Not the breweries or the bars or liquor stores, but the guys in the middle. The guys who most states mandate as the only ones who can buy from the breweries and then resell to the retail outlets, who then sell it to us so we can enjoy the fermented fruits of their labors.

    What is surprising to us is the fact that most of that money went to politicians supportive of Trump. As a reminder, Trump is famously dry, in that he apparently doesn’t drink alcohol, ever. This may be why the industry chose to influence those politicos with money instead of a triple hopped IPA. More interestingly, is that they seem to have failed, at least on the federal level, to control the uppermost offices of government. Joe Biden is also known to be a teetotaller and therefore not obviously in the pocket of our Beer Overlords.

    Does this indicate a waning influence of the Global Beer Industrial Complex? Or are they hard at work in more subtle ways? Hold my beer while I figure it all out… On second thought, maybe I’ll drink that beer now and ask you to hold the empty can while I go grab another out of the fridge. I feel like it’s all about to come into focus and start making sense… Any moment now… Just let me drink on this for a while… Cheers!