conspiracy

  • The Storm Area 51 event scheduled for September was co-opted by Bud Light who presumably used the event as a cheap advertising gimmick. That's what they want us to think anyway. Since we know that the Intergalactic Beer Overlords basically control all of the known universe, it's more likely that they are under contract to provide beer to any aliens hapless enough to land on this planet.

    Sure, they made a big deal out of placing a few well-stocked coolers full of limited edition Bud Light.  What didn't make the news was that all the beer was drank. Who drank it all? They aren't telling us. What are they hiding? We know the Grays like beer. We know they are always watching over the human race, waiting until we are ripe enough to eat, maybe? It's downright insulting that they think we are being fooled by a few green cans filled with light beer. We're onto you Bud Light! We won't be silenced by anything less than a full keg of limited edition alien Bud Light beer. (Thanks for that, BTW)

    We have nothing more to say...

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    Beer controls the world and Epstein didn't kill himself. The best, funniest, and truest meme of the year. It's clear that while Epstein didn't kill himself, nobody can be sure who did. Was it the Clintons? Was it Trump or one of his supporters? Maybe it was one of the other rich powerful men who paid for access to teenage girls. There's likely a variety of people who wanted to silence Epstein. We may never find out who did it, but if we don't keep asking, we'll never find out.

    This is a doozy of a conspiracy and you can bet that the Global Beer Industrial Complex has its fingerprints all over this one. At the very least we need to look at the facts, follow the money trail, and keep asking questions over a nice cold beer until some new information floats to the top, like a nice head of foam. Let us know if you figure it out.  We'll go into hiding immediately because these guys are not the kind to go down without taking a few witnesses with them.

    Notice how all the women who have come forward with allegations against Epstein have very carefully avoided saying who the other men were that they slept with or implicated only relatively powerless men, like Prince Andrew. The girls who slept with the really powerful men have been bought off, threatened, or worse.  They disappeared like Ghislaine Maxwell.  Is she in hiding someplace or was she made to disappear... permanently? This may be one of those conspiracies that nobody really wants to unravel.

    So, we're gonna have another beer and pretend we don't know anything about it... Cheers!

  • Government shutdown

    With the government shut down for a couple weeks now you are probably wondering what impact this will have on beer.

    Obviously, this will affect all the hard-working government employees, who, without paychecks, will not be able to afford as much beer as usual.  This really sucks for them because they not only have a lot of extra time on their hands, but they could all use a nice cold beer right about now.

    The other impacts are more insidious.  Firstly, new breweries are unable to get the required licenses from the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB), which regulates the alcohol beverage industry, as this agency is currently shut down.  That means the new brewpub being built down the street may be unable to brew.  That means they may not even be able to open, which results in no new jobs, and possibly the loss of a few.  Even after the shutdown ends (assuming it does) there's likely to be a backlog of license requests that may take months to clear up.

    Secondly, the same government entity also approves new brews for existing breweries, so if the shutdown drags on, you can forget about seeing hip new seasonal brews in your local store.

    It's entirely likely that the Global Beer Industrial Complex has orchestrated this shutdown just to prevent new competition and possibly thin out their existing enemies (small breweries).  Just ask the Beer Overlords (if you can find them) They will certainly deny any involvement, which is a dead giveaway that they are behind it..

     

  • We’ve been quiet here at the oldBeer Conspiracy because frankly, we can’t come up with more ridiculous conspiracies than the likes of Qanon and all the rest of the whacko internet conspirators. 

    But this one made us spit out our beer in awe! 

    Woman protests outside of Texas brewery, accuses it of being ‘Satanic cult’ in viral video

    A beautiful woman believes that a brewpub in Texas is a satanic cult. A coven of witches performing child sacrifice and eating human flesh. To back up her claim she showed a colorful bow on the ground across the street from the brewery. She claimed this was proof that a child had been abducted and presumably eaten by the Satanists in the nearby pub. Unfortunately, that video seems to have been removed from Facebook already.

    Luv that Motely Crue T-shirt, BB!

    She’s either an attention-starved Thot or she’s completely nuts, maybe both. Either way, we’re totally smitten with this wildly conspiratorial kitten!

    According to her Facebook rants, everyone who works in a bar selling beer is a psychopathic pedophile. She further ties it into Black Lives Matter, abortion, The NSA, drones, genetic chimeras, alien space trash, and cults. Oh, and she’s declared war against them all. Here she is on youtube saying all of that:

    Here’s a quick quote from her Facebook describing these psychopaths 

    “They are boring AF with loud music and a plethora of sensations.” 

    How can a cult of baby-eating Satanists who enjoy beer and loud music be boring? Please let us know how that works. We’re eager to experience a plethora of sensations while drinking beer and listening to loud music. (Isn't everyone?)

    In all fairness maybe she’s off her meds or she just cracked after being in COVID isolation alone for too long. We can help her with that, as long as she doesn’t mind chatting over a few beers while Motely Crue is playing in the background.

    Please, Sugar-pie, contact us at theBeer Conspiracy and we’ll help you pull your conspiracies together and make them either more believable or more amusing. Maybe both.